There's no countries left to fight and conquer

[numberedshepherd]

Who: Lazarus and Misa
What: Figuring out where the relationship stands
Where: Tokyo, Japan
When: March 28



Though the Numbered are dwindling and fading from the world, Lazarus still does his best to keep tabs on the ones that remain with their new (and often unwelcome) memories and abilities. As it happens, a disproportionate quantity of them seem to be from the world L hailed from, which means that those who are closest to Lazarus are continually discovering new and disturbing things about one another.

Not that such things are the only challenge they have to cope with, by a long shot.

He's made the trip to Japan via teleporter, because in spite of the time that has passed and the healing that has transpired following the attack on Shepherd's Haven all those months ago, he and Misa still haven't really figured out what it means for them. They've kept in touch, of course, and they haven't officially designated where their relationship stands and where they see it going, similarly maimed and damaged and, less openly, similarly resentful of the words and actions that led to that damage in the first place.

Lazarus arrives wearing baggy blue jeans and a sports coat. He had to retire most of his more form-fitting pants after the attack, and though he could probably wear them again if he wanted to, the scar tissue restricts mobility enough without the added difficulty of stiff denim. He leans on his cane as he knocks several times on her door, and he reflects that he probably should have alerted her that he was coming... but there's admittedly a part of him that wonders if she's inside, right now, with his replacement.

Comments

[lovesickkiller]

Misa has never liked being alone. The energy and attention of others sustains her, gives her a reason to be her best and keep a happy face on. But she has been alone a lot as of late, by her own choice and by consequence of closing herself off. It's probably a good thing; she has made some questionable decisions as of late, and if she can't even explain them to herself then how could she possibly explain them to anyone else?

The knocking startles her, and Misa clutches the notebook in her hands to her chest reflexively, heart pounding as she looks at the door. Paranoia, anxiety, stress- just a few side-effects of doing something that she knows is wrong. Something that goes against everything she has said she wants, and something she certainly cannot defend.

I haven't done anything, she reminds herself firmly, tip-toeing toward the door and ignoring the lingering yet in her mind. Touching the thing is not a crime. A glance through the peephole and something deep in her chest clenches.

Not him. She missed him. She doesn't want to see him. She blames him. She misses sleeping beside him. He isn't good. He'll see that she isn't good. She wants his mouth against her again. He's so kind and she doesn't deserve him.

Misa remains very still, then slowly and deliberately paces back to place the black notebook in plain view on the table by the couch. Hiding things is so tiring, it isn't worth the trouble anymore.

"Coming," she says, glancing down at her legs as she heads toward the door. It's a habit she can't seem to quit, even with the burns concealed beneath loose pantyhose held up by a garterbelt. Walking isn't easy, but no one had been surprised to find Misa far too vain for the use of a cane. She limits herself and rests often instead.

Her hands rest against the door for a few moments, steadying herself, before she undoes three locks (a chain, a deadbolt, and one on the handle).

"Come in."

[numberedshepherd]

Misa's not the only one who's conflicted about Lazarus being here. He's feeling it just as much, having debated and second-guessed every time he thought he'd made up his mind about coming. He's pretty good at sticking to a difficult choice once it's been made, but it still feels fairly incredible that he managed to make it this far.

He immediately feels bad for making her get up, since her steps still seem stiff and painful months later.

"Is it a good time?" he asks, lingering in the doorway, realizing that he's asking far too late for it to be even in the neighborhood of polite.

[lovesickkiller]

She isn't sure that there is a good time, but practically walking in on her red-handed might just be the worst time. Though Misa is certainly uncomfortable, in many ways, she can't summon the desire to escape or try to avoid this confrontation. It isn't the end of the world. They've already made it through that, twice now.

"Come in," Misa repeats, making her way back to the couch with jerky steps. She sits right next to the table but does not otherwise acknowledge the Death Note sitting innocently beside her. Aside from the way her heart beats frantically and she feels anxiety crawling through her veins, it could not be there at all.

"How are you feeling?"

[numberedshepherd]

It's difficult to know what red-handed even means these days. Lazarus is, as usual, stretched thin in too many directions and it's likely that the notebook is far from his mind.

He watches her make her painful way to the couch, sighing softly and following her. Mercifully for Misa, he still doesn't appear to notice the Death Note.

"You know, with your stockings when you wear them like that... you can't even tell," he says awkwardly, by way of starting a conversation.

[lovesickkiller]

Misa is silent for a moment, giving him a look. Ultimately she lets the statement slide, though she doesn't miss that he hasn't answered how he is doing.

"That's the point," she informs him, tone implying that it should be quite obvious. Gingerly, and too slowly for her liking, she lifts her legs up onto the couch, perching them over his. If he isn't going to acknowledge the Notebook, neither is she.

"What do you think?" she asks quietly, eyes not quite catching his. If she is about to be lied to, she doesn't want to catch it. "Still sexy?"

[numberedshepherd]

He glances away at her look, familiar with what it looks and feels like to be nonverbally reprimanded. She doesn't pursue it, but that hardly really means anything.

"Well, it's... working," he murmurs, still not looking at her face. He remains completely still as she lifts her legs over his, dark eyes settling on the peak of her knees before he nods.

"Of course. You would be if you didn't have legs anymore at all," he answers, and to his credit, it does sound earnest.

[lovesickkiller]

Misa wrinkles her nose. She knows what he means, but being completely legless is not a thought that she wants in her mind.

"Don't be gross," she says, curling in to lean her head against his shoulder. It's strange, having him here. Misa came back to Japan to escape everything, to be alone. But in the back of her mind she was probably hoping he would follow her all along. Lose ends always turn out messy. Besides, she has always enjoyed being chased.

"Why did you come here, Lazarus?" she asks gently, truly curious.

[numberedshepherd]

He shakes his head reactively; he's not being gross, he's trying to be supportive, and as such things often do, it's blowing up in his face a bit. A slight flush creeps into his ashy cheeks, but the weight of Misa's head on his bony shoulder makes him realize that this isn't going as badly as it might have. There's some small mercy in that, surely.

"I came because it didn't feel right in Shepherd's Haven without you, and I wanted to see how you were doing."

Honest reasons, and good reasons. He believes both of these very strongly.

[lovesickkiller]

Misa smiles, deciding to believe his words despite every horrible thing that has happened between them. They are good reasons.

"Thank you," she says, turning her head to press a kiss to his cheek. They could almost go back to being a strange but relatively functional couple, like this. It feels right, sinking back into it. They must look... well, odd together, as always. But in a way that could work.

Misa flexes her legs, feels them ache. Beneath her leggings the two of them are more alike now than ever.

"It really didn't feel right without me?" she asks. It's nice to hear; she had never really felt that she belonged there.

[numberedshepherd]

The idea of going back to normal is a comforting one. Lazarus wants to lose himself in the fantasy, even if it's merely temporary. They worked for so long, after all, in spite of their myriad differences and often conflicting personalities.

"Really," he replies, accepting the kiss without reciprocating. He does, however, turn his face in her direction again, which is certainly a step forward. "I missed you, and if there were things about you that were less than good, I'm having a hell of a time remembering them."

[lovesickkiller]

Misa feels caught in his eyes when he turns to face her, like black holes she can't turn away from. Things about me that were less than good... There are so many, and for the first time since he walked in Misa feels legitimately guilty for having the Notebook out, for whatever she was going to do instead of burning it. What is she doing? What was she going to do, anyway?

"Do... do you want me to remind you?" she asks, voice wavering. There is so little about her that feels good right now. And here is Lazarus, always begging to make himself a martyr on her account. "Or do you want to keep forgetting?"

[numberedshepherd]

Lazarus, for all his problems past and present, is no fool. He knows that the issues that haunted them before are unlikely to vanish, and given the things that came between their Others, they're actually likely to get worse with time and to feed the endless insecurities and resentment.

"L would want you to," he says after a moment's pause. "I'm 96% certain of it. If he got sentimental, he would see it as nothing but a weakness and definitely try to quell it before it hurt him."

He sighs.

"You know I don't want to be like him."

[lovesickkiller]

"He-" Misa starts, then shakes her head, moving to brush a tear from the corner of her eye. She doesn't want to think about him, or what he would have done, or the likelihood of such a man ever becoming sentimental.

She wants to think about Lazarus.

All the problems and dysfunctional aspects between them still remain as strong as ever, but it doesn't change anything she feels for him; and she feels all of it so strongly after all this time spent away.

"I missed you," she finally admits, moving her legs back down so that she can hug him properly. Her cheek fits against the sharp contour of his collar bone just as she remembered. "I'm really happy you're here."

[numberedshepherd]

At first, Lazarus' stomach plummets when he realizes that in spite of his best efforts not to, he's made Misa cry. It was his last intention by coming here, and as he watches the gesture, the slender fingertip swiftly deleting evidence of her eyes welling up, he considers that maybe it was always a lost cause and his hopes were misplaced and even idiotic.

You might have been a chess prodigy, and you might be echoing back a genius, but it's time to learn that you're not all that, Lazarus.

When she finally answers, it's an understatement to say that he's caught off-guard. He turns his head and widens his eyes so quickly that it looks like he unexpectedly swallowed a hermit crab he didn't even realize was in his mouth for one comical moment. She embraces him, and though her arms are slight and gentle, there are crushing forces at work that press all the air from his lungs and make his chest ache. It's sublime, because he did miss it and he does want it, and that just means it'll hurt more the next time they lose it.

He closes his eyes as though that can slow time, shifting to wrap an arm around her in kind.

"I wish I'd come sooner, when you put it like that. I don't always know how to do things in a timely manner."

[lovesickkiller]

"I'm the one that left," she mutters. And she did need that time, away from Shepherd's Haven and away from everything that left her feeling trapped in a dying world. But being alone had only left her with darker thoughts than before; all the bad followed her, with none of the good to help lift it. "You came at the right time."

A quiet, happy noise escapes her when Lazarus puts his arm around her. It only now occurs to Misa how much she has missed being held. The solid, tangible assurance that she isn't alone, that things will be alright. As if one arm could hold together the mess of mismatches pieces she feels like sometimes, at odds with herself.

"Please stay."

[numberedshepherd]

Lazarus understands fully that it probably wouldn't have been a good thing to chase after Misa when the wounds were still fresh. If anything, it would have made a reconciliation like this one even more difficult. As things stand, though, he knows that they are actually doing pretty decently. He decides to ultimately trust that he actually managed to arrive at a time when he was needed and wanted.

That would be something of a first, wouldn't it?

"In Tokyo? Away from Shepherd's Haven?" he asks, sounding uncertain. "I can. For a little while, anyway."

For a week, at absolute most.

[lovesickkiller]

Misa pulls back to look up at him, expression disappointed. She got the answer she wanted, but the hesitance it came with is hard to ignore. She hadn't been consciously thinking in those terms when she asked him to stay, but now that he has said it like that...

"Do you want to stay with me?" she asks quietly. It's a loaded question, and maybe it isn't fair to make him choose but no matter what Lazarus thinks, she has never fit in there. Misa and Shepherd's Haven go together like oil and water; she can exist there, but she has never blended in or adapted the way everyone else seems to.

[numberedshepherd]

In his heart of hearts, Lazarus most likely knew that this was coming. He sighs as she pulls away, the ammunition locked and loaded and ready to blow off his jaw the moment he tries to explain himself.

He gives it a shot, anyway.

"Of course I want to stay with you. But there are fewer of us, now... the Numbered... and with everyone scattered the way we've been, it's fallen to me to take on a lot of correspondence work. I can't just leave it."

[lovesickkiller]

Misa's jaw sets. The answer is perfectly logical, but that doesn't stop her from feeling like she is being put second to a group of people they never had any choice about being a part of. Maybe it's a good thing that there are less of them now.

"It's not your job to look after everyone. You'll only get hurt trying."

[numberedshepherd]

Lazarus' immediate instinct is to protest. It is his job, almost literally. He's an advocate and a voice and a leader, and though he's faltered in the past, he wakes up every day knowing that quitting simply isn't an option.

He's more of a consummate professional than anything like someone in a relationship. He gives of himself and his time freely, but also indiscriminately, and that's probably the bulk of the problem.

"I might get hurt... but it might actually kill me not to try, Misa," he says softly.

[lovesickkiller]

"It might kill you to try! Or have you forgotten already?" she demands heatedly. As if anyone could forget such a horrible night, with scars and phantom pains as a constant reminder. But the way he talks, having the nerve to suggest that staying away from such things might kill him... Misa can hardly stand it.

She pulls away from him, glowering from her side of the couch. There isn't much space between them, but compared to before they might as well be miles apart.

[numberedshepherd]

He knew before he said it that she was unlikely to take it well. If he still had much flexibility in the leg that sustained the burns, he might channel his other's odd habit and tuck his knees up under his chin, turning his body into a fortress, but he leaves them where they are. The leaden nerve damage and twinges of pain don't even let him come close to forgetting.

But the prospect of leaving the world a better place through it all lets him think that it was all worth something.

He sighs shallowly, watching her retreat, wondering if she expects him to reach after her. After all they've been through, it's possible that she wouldn't recoil. But he doesn't want to give her false hope, either.

"Our place in the world isn't as cut and dried and simple as it was, once. It's intimidating to think of that responsibility, but... it's also true that someone has to do it, Misa, and there aren't that many of us left."