the sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead.

[enflammen]

Who: Micah and Lazarus
What: Chess and deep talks.
Where: Shepherd's Haven
When: March 3.

It's been more than a month since Micah's last series of Echoes, a memory of Mello's death and a phone call with Nathan that set off several more recovered memories. Micah's kept quiet about it since then, but it's still weighed on his mind. He still has so many unanswered questions, but the greatest is one that none of them will have an answer for, he suspects:

What does any of this mean?

He's been learning chess from Lazarus - a good distraction, because it requires all of his concentration. He picked up easily on what the different pieces are and how they all move, but the strategy - that's not as easy to come by without practice.

"Remind me again," Micah says, tapping the end of his chin with the tip of his finger, staring at the set chess board. "What's the difference between Sicilian Defense and French Defense?"

Comments

[numberedshepherd]

The echoes have tapered off for a fair few Numbered; not that there are that many left to begin with, but that isn't something Lazarus dwells on. It is what it is, and a crucial step in being the kind of man he doesn't utterly despise is being capable of changing what he can and letting what he can't go.

"Oh..." the question pulls him out of his thoughts, which have a tendency to get very deep and ponderous. That probably comes from his Other, who was, while clearly not a great person, absolutely brilliant. "It's tactical versus positional, essentially, so... with Sicilian, which I admittedly favor, you're opening up your side of the board and it scores statistically higher. With French... the trick is to remember your weaknesses, the chief of which is that the Queen's side Bishop is blocked. The Queen's side is incidentally where you'll be counterstriking."

[enflammen]

"There's a weakness in any approach, though." He frowns at the pieces, staring as if the correct move will reveal itself suddenly if he just focuses his attention sharply enough. "Right? I mean, there's no perfect opening move. You have to either know your opponent well enough to anticipate his moves or just guess and hope it works. Isn't that how it goes?"

[numberedshepherd]

Lazarus stares at the pieces, deep in thought, before glancing up at Micah.

"There's no perfect strategy, period," he replies. "And that goes for life, not just chess. Unfortunately, nothing in the real world is that predictable. Maybe for our Others it was different, but here, we're stuck guessing, and calling it anticipation. An educated guess is still a guess."

He rubs at the bridge of his nose.

"Was there something you wanted to discuss aside from chess? I get that feeling."

[enflammen]

Hm. Well. Micah had hoped maybe he wasn't quite so obvious; he's been trying to decide how to broach the subject with Lazarus for a while now. He's come to value the other man's input on a number of things, particularly those related to being Numbered. But he knows himself, too, and knows a good poker face isn't one of his strongest suits. Maybe he should have expected Lazarus would pick up on that vibe; he's awfully observant.

Micah lightly chews his bottom lip for a moment before he answers. "Yeah, actually, there is. I had a question - and, y'know, if it's too personal, just tell me to shut up." He shrugs, but takes a deep breath to calm his nerves. "I was wondering if you knew how L died. Like - did you see what happened to him?"

[numberedshepherd]

It's not so much that Micah is obvious, so much as that Lazarus is uncommonly perceptive. He was always that way, and getting back L's echoes and skill sets have only made that more true.

Slowly, he shakes his head.

"It's not too personal. I have no reservations about discussing my echoes with you. If I knew, I'd say, but... all I have is the knowledge that he was soaking wet before it happened. I don't think he drowned, though, if that's what you're getting at... it would stand to reason that he died the way most of Kira's victim's did."

[enflammen]

The way Kira's victims died - Micah knows this now, after talking with Nathan. The Death Note.

"Heart attack," he intones, solemnly, nodding - then he hesitates for another moment before adding: "That's how Mello died, too." He doesn't say how he knows this, because he doesn't think it's necessary. He trusts that Lazarus is smart and perceptive enough to fill in the spaces of what he isn't saying.

[numberedshepherd]

In general, Lazarus, like Nathan, has a tendency to look far younger than his years despite the rough life he's led. Now, though, he actually looks older than he should and like there's a greater than usual weight curving his shoulders and his back forward.

"Was it difficult? That particular echo, I mean," he asks softly. "I know that with particularly traumatic memories and occurrences, they can be."

[enflammen]

Micah considers his answer for a moment, taking a bishop off the board in front of him and rolling it between his fingers while he thinks. Was it difficult? Of course it was; experiencing death is bound to be unpleasant no matter the circumstances. Was this death in particular difficult? Micah has been shocked and shaken by it, and confused by what he was able to glean of Mello's thoughts and actions leading up to his death.

Was it more difficult than the other Echoes he'd received? More difficult than the Echo of the explosion that burned and scarred his face? Micah rubs his thumb absently at the edge of his jaw, over the line where scar meets undamaged skin. That ... he doesn't know.

He shrugs. "It wasn't fun, I'll say that." He still wakes up in the middle of the night sometimes with a phantom seizing pain in his chest, though those episodes have been fewer and farther between. "And it still doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I talked to Nathan about it some." Micah replaces the bishop and runs the tip of his finger over the queen's crown, then moves to a knight, turning it a quarter to the left, then back to the right, then facing center again. "Mello knew he was gonna die - he planned on it, actually. He sacrificed himself to show Near something important." What exactly that was, neither of them has been able to deduce yet.

Micah frowns at the board, chewing lightly on his bottom lip, then looks up to Lazarus. "They didn't get along - Mello said he couldn't even work with Near after L died, he was asked to and refused - but he ended up giving his life so Near could solve this case in the end. I've been giving it a lot of thought, and I still just can't make sense of it."

[numberedshepherd]

While Lazarus doesn't remember L's death, he's had close brushes with it in this life. He's fairly familiar with the pain and fear, which he felt even when he was sure that death was what he wanted and he was drugged to the gills to keep him from changing his mind.

"What did Nathan have to say? I've often found his insight on such matters very valuable," Lazarus offers softly.

[enflammen]

"He's a good kid." Micah traces the bottom edge of his lip with the tip of his thumb, glancing back up to Lazarus. "I know you were worried about us not getting along, at first, but I don't think you have to worry about it. From what I've seen of Mello and Near, we're really nothing alike." That's what Micah wants to believe, anyway - he knows he doesn't harbor any of the hostility he'd sensed coming from Mello toward Nathan.

"He filled in some of the blanks for me," Micah continues, shifting forward in his chair. "What he could, anyway. I don't think he's got the whole picture yet either. But he told me about the Death Note, how it caused people to die of heart attacks, and he mentioned a woman named Kiyomi Takada, who Mello knew was connected to Kira. That's why he targeted her - kidnapped her, I think." Micah's expression sours as he remembers the flash of memory he'd received of the Japanese woman held at gunpoint. He doesn't know for sure, but he still holds on to the distant hope that Mello hadn't killed her. "Nathan said it was a ... zwischenzug? Did I say that right? That thing where you make a bigger threat for your opponent so they have to respond to that. That's what Mello did."

[numberedshepherd]

Lazarus takes a half-breath before ultimately deciding not to argue the point that Nathan is really not a kid. He's the first to admit that he often treats the white-haired young man as if he's far younger, or lets what he knows of their Others influence his perceptions and concerns in this life.

"I'm glad," he says, neutrally and a little carefully. Because even if that's true now, there's no guarantee that it will be tomorrow. They can all only hope, to an extent, that they'll be able to maintain control over their futures as long as they're all still getting echoes.

"Yes, you said it right," he confirms. "Zwischenzug... in-between move. In addition to creating a bigger threat, you're presenting a move that they don't predict in order to throw a wrench in whatever strategy they're currently exacting. That does admittedly sound like something Mello, as I understand him, would do."

[enflammen]

"Yeah." Micah nods, gaze dropping to the chess board in front of him again while he considers what he's been able to gather about the kind of man Mello was from the Echoes he's received. It's not a pretty picture; Micah's opinion of Mello mostly boils down to he was an asshole, and he's not really sure about the implications of that for him just yet.

He sits back in the chair, giving Lazarus his full attention. "Can I ask - what is your understanding of him? I mean - Mello only met L that one time, I think. Do you know something more about him?"

[numberedshepherd]

Lazarus has thought long and hard about all their Others, and the portrait is not a flattering one. They were all assholes, perhaps ranging in severity but certainly belonging to the same general class of terrible people.

"Of course," he says, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. "I know some other things about Mello, but likely not as much as you hope... I know that he was competitive, cutthroat... that he wanted the title, and that he was ruled by his emotions the way Near was ruled by logic. They were essentially two sides of the same coin... that is, they shared the coin, but never each other's point of view at the same moment."

[enflammen]

Micah hums something wordless and thoughtful as he considers Lazarus' words. Competitive, cutthroat - all of that seems to track well enough from what he's seen of his Other. So too the being ruled by emotion - he'd felt that, in some of the Echoes he'd experienced, the rawness of feeling too much, too intensely. It was uncomfortably familiar for Micah, reminding him of his earlier years, before he met Father Kelly and set to work on actively changing his destiny.

"Two sides of a coin - I guess that must be why Mello thought he and Near couldn't ever work together." He frowns slightly and picks up a pawn, sliding it two spaces forward on the board. "Seems like he was a pretty stubborn asshole, too. Say - did L ever meet Near? Do you know anything more about him?"

[numberedshepherd]

By this point, hopefully if Micah knows one thing about Lazarus, it's that the man wouldn't lie to him about something so important. Much about changing this way is uncomfortable for everyone with a Number, and the best they can do is be honest and supportive with each other.

"Near? I'm not sure. I think that Near wouldn't have desired to meet L, and L possibly wouldn't have wanted to be so close to someone who reminded him so much of his colder qualities. I am struck by the irony, considering how close I am to Nathan. I know that compared to Mello, he was the technical wunderkind who perhaps wasn't as adaptable or creative."

[enflammen]

This too tracks with what Micah knows of Mello's last thoughts - that he had to make such a desperate move, a move that he knew would cost his life, because he had to show Near something important, something he'd overlooked. Micah frowns slightly as he studies the board, running over what he'd pulled from the Echoes about Mello's last moments.

"I dunno," he finally says. "Seems like creative, in Mello's case, could also mean destructive. Maybe he could've stood to be a little less creative." It's perplexing, for Micah, to have only a few shreds of insight about his Other - none of them painting a particularly good picture on their own, and certainly not when fit together, either.

"It's good, though - that you're close with Nathan now, I mean."

[numberedshepherd]

Lazarus' eyes follow Mello's, though it's clear that both their minds left this game long ago.

"Creative isn't bad inherently, even if it's destructive," he replies. "Having been accused myself of being somewhat destructive, I feel I can't criticize it too earnestly without coming across as an immense hypocrite. That being said... balance is always a good thing, but... knowing what my other was like, and knowing that that's what Mello and Near idealized... I don't know what to think. I don't feel that any of them were healthy or well-adjusted people."

He cants his head thoughtfully. "Regarding Nathan... he's like a plant that's been left in the dark for a long time. When he's offered friendship, it can take a while, but he does respond, and it's favorable if the offer is earnest. Don't lose heart if he hasn't opened up to you yet."

[enflammen]

"Yeah, balance," he says, nodding, echoing Lazarus. Mello seems like the kind of person who could have used more balance in his life, a study in extremes. Micah wonders if he could have ended up like that, if Father Kelly hadn't intervened and set him on the path that led him to where he is now.

He pulls both hands into his lap, fingers interlaced. "Nathan ... he seems kinda skittish. But I get it - I mean, I get the feeling he probably didn't have anyone take really good care of him until he met you." He saw enough abused children at the House, on the streets of New York, even in the foster homes where he stayed for short amounts of time. It's not hard to pick out common learned behaviors - a rush to apologize for the slightest infraction, a quiet, unassuming demeanor. Don't stand out, don't draw attention - it's a way of surviving.

"It's good that he did meet you." Micah smiles faintly, a little on the sad side. It's clear that Lazarus does care deeply for him. "Sometimes it just takes one person to make a difference, y'know?"

[numberedshepherd]

Life is full of what-ifs and could-have-beens. Lazarus knows just as well as anyone how damaging and paralyzing it can be to dwell too thoroughly on these particular things, and these days, he makes a concentrated effort not to. Even though he has his share of deep and earnest regrets.

One of those regrets actually concerns Nathan closely, and the way he hesitates before answering probably indicates as much. "Maybe," he replies quietly. "In truth, I think often that there's more I could have done and much I didn't do, and should have found a way to. We met and then it was years before we spoke again. The circumstances admittedly weren't the best... but hopefully, it's made a difference in his life."

[enflammen]

Thinking on the past is often a mixed bag, in Micah's opinion. Dwelling on things that happened can lead to negative feelings - anger especially, over things that were done (or, in some cases, not done) to him. But he's proud of his past, too, proud of the things he did to overcome the odds that were so often stacked against him.

"Father Kelly used to say something to me sometimes - 'Never look back unless you're planning to go that way.' I think he said it was a quote from Thoreau." He absently scratches his eyebrow. "I don't know that I agree with that entirely. I mean, I get what he's trying to say, that you could drive yourself crazy thinking about the past and all the things you could've or should've done and didn't. But I don't think it's right to ignore the past entirely, either. You learn from the past, from your mistakes, and it helps you be a better person." He smiles faintly. A question of balance, again.

"Anyway, I'm sure you did make a difference. I know you did for me."

[numberedshepherd]

At the very least, reflecting on the past can lead to being less likely to repeating mistakes. There are lessons Lazarus has had to learn the hard way, and doesn't want to relive if he can help it.

"Thoreau was a beautiful writer, but as far as successful living went, he could have done better," Lazarus says with a wry, quiet laugh. "He contributed to his field, of course, but looking back on his life... I have to wonder if he was proud. So... I support your interpretation. And I'm glad that you feel meeting me made some kind of positive difference... for what it's worth, I feel the same, about both of you."

[enflammen]

"Yeah?" Micah's smile widens. Knowing he's made a difference for the better in someone's life is always satisfying - it's one of the things that drew him to working as a firefighter, and then with youth outreach for refugees of New Los Angeles. It just usually isn't something that comes quite so vocally and to the point.

"Well, hey, I'm glad to hear that. Maybe that's what we're all here for after all - making a difference."

[numberedshepherd]

Lazarus nods earnestly; for all the echoes he's gotten and all the remembering he's gone through to better understand the man L was, he's always retained that clear and sincere honesty.

"I'm convinced that's why we're here. There aren't many of us left, but... it doesn't take many to make lasting and positive change. A lot of good can come of this."