the sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead.

[enflammen]

Who: Micah and Lazarus
What: Chess and deep talks.
Where: Shepherd's Haven
When: March 3.

It's been more than a month since Micah's last series of Echoes, a memory of Mello's death and a phone call with Nathan that set off several more recovered memories. Micah's kept quiet about it since then, but it's still weighed on his mind. He still has so many unanswered questions, but the greatest is one that none of them will have an answer for, he suspects:

What does any of this mean?

He's been learning chess from Lazarus - a good distraction, because it requires all of his concentration. He picked up easily on what the different pieces are and how they all move, but the strategy - that's not as easy to come by without practice.

"Remind me again," Micah says, tapping the end of his chin with the tip of his finger, staring at the set chess board. "What's the difference between Sicilian Defense and French Defense?"

Comments

[numberedshepherd]

Life is full of what-ifs and could-have-beens. Lazarus knows just as well as anyone how damaging and paralyzing it can be to dwell too thoroughly on these particular things, and these days, he makes a concentrated effort not to. Even though he has his share of deep and earnest regrets.

One of those regrets actually concerns Nathan closely, and the way he hesitates before answering probably indicates as much. "Maybe," he replies quietly. "In truth, I think often that there's more I could have done and much I didn't do, and should have found a way to. We met and then it was years before we spoke again. The circumstances admittedly weren't the best... but hopefully, it's made a difference in his life."

[enflammen]

Thinking on the past is often a mixed bag, in Micah's opinion. Dwelling on things that happened can lead to negative feelings - anger especially, over things that were done (or, in some cases, not done) to him. But he's proud of his past, too, proud of the things he did to overcome the odds that were so often stacked against him.

"Father Kelly used to say something to me sometimes - 'Never look back unless you're planning to go that way.' I think he said it was a quote from Thoreau." He absently scratches his eyebrow. "I don't know that I agree with that entirely. I mean, I get what he's trying to say, that you could drive yourself crazy thinking about the past and all the things you could've or should've done and didn't. But I don't think it's right to ignore the past entirely, either. You learn from the past, from your mistakes, and it helps you be a better person." He smiles faintly. A question of balance, again.

"Anyway, I'm sure you did make a difference. I know you did for me."

[numberedshepherd]

At the very least, reflecting on the past can lead to being less likely to repeating mistakes. There are lessons Lazarus has had to learn the hard way, and doesn't want to relive if he can help it.

"Thoreau was a beautiful writer, but as far as successful living went, he could have done better," Lazarus says with a wry, quiet laugh. "He contributed to his field, of course, but looking back on his life... I have to wonder if he was proud. So... I support your interpretation. And I'm glad that you feel meeting me made some kind of positive difference... for what it's worth, I feel the same, about both of you."

[enflammen]

"Yeah?" Micah's smile widens. Knowing he's made a difference for the better in someone's life is always satisfying - it's one of the things that drew him to working as a firefighter, and then with youth outreach for refugees of New Los Angeles. It just usually isn't something that comes quite so vocally and to the point.

"Well, hey, I'm glad to hear that. Maybe that's what we're all here for after all - making a difference."

[numberedshepherd]

Lazarus nods earnestly; for all the echoes he's gotten and all the remembering he's gone through to better understand the man L was, he's always retained that clear and sincere honesty.

"I'm convinced that's why we're here. There aren't many of us left, but... it doesn't take many to make lasting and positive change. A lot of good can come of this."